Bad days

Yesterday afternoon I went out for a bike ride that I didn't want to do. The weather was great, I had nothing to do all afternoon but ride, I was only a little tired, but I just didn't want to do it. In the end I had a double shot of espresso, put on my shorts and headed out the door. Although I told myself I would get through the 2 hr easy spin without stopping as I was cruising by Beaumont, Tim Horton's pulled me in and I had a large double-double and 2 doughnuts. Gulping my coffee and flipping through Real Estate Weekly (shaking my head at unaffordable housing) I suffered the strange looks from the Nisku Oilmen and Beaumont Seniors who were sharing the tables with me. I didn't stay too long because I felt guilty and soon got back on my bike having won nothing in the roll up the rim contest. I made it back to my front door after 2.5 hours of riding and went straight to the fridge for a beer and nachos.

This morning I woke up with a very human amount of motivation. It took me 2 hours and 3 cups of coffee to convince myself to get down to the pool. I sat on a stretching mat for 15 minutes doing a couple light stretches and a few situps to delay the swim even longer. I finally coaxed myself into the warmup and spent the warmup trying to convince myself that I could do the main set. I had 2 x (2 x 100m fast on 2:00 followed by 8 x 100m on 1:40 at race pace) with 400m ez in between. Not such a difficult set. With just enough motivation to keep my arms turning I got through the set and even managed to stay out of my comfort zone the entire time. I swam 1:05 to 1:07 for the fast 100s and 1:10-1:11 for the race pace 100s.

Sadly when I got home from the swim I went back to the fridge and popped the cap off my last beer. I cleaned my bathroom, then walked over to the liquor store to restock. I came home with a six pack and a bottle of red wine, not knowing which one was going to get me through the afternoon. I settled on the wine and continued to clean the kitchen followed by the living room. After checking my email for the 10th time today and getting nothing but junk mail I decided to write this update.

I'm embarassed about this post. It's not quite 4pm, I'm just finishing my bottle of wine. Most of the people I know are going to read this and witness my moment of weakness. Worst of all, my coach, my triathlon peers and the dreaded Olympic selection committee. I rarely censor what I write (this post is obviously without censorship) but I often feel obliged to. I don't mind if my friends know that I'm human, but I hate to let the selection committee find out. This blog is about sharing my Olympic journey, the good and the bad, the truth. Today I'm drunk, depressed and lonely. I have a race in 10 days and I'm wondering whether I should do my 60 minute afternoon run drunk or skip it outright. I occasionally suffer from brief, mild bouts of depression and I'm obviously in one now. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Cheers,